On the night before Ash Wednesday, I looked into the mirror and said, “I’m all in, Lord. I will follow your Will.” I was determined to stay in religious life and walk the path to priesthood. However, I was taken on a different path: a call to live out my authentic life.

 

I decided to leave the Norbertine Order at St. Norbert Abbey in June 2018—to attend the Institute of Pastoral Studies (IPS) at Loyola University Chicago in pursuit for Master of Divinity and Master of Arts in Pastoral Counseling. I thought leaving the world behind to enter religious life was difficult; I found that stepping back again into the world required more courage and trust. When I left, just as when I entered, I was following a sacred journey.

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I knew that choosing to walk toward the Light—Freedom— was a vulnerable and difficult decision. I had to trust with my whole heart that God would provide the necessary means to make ends meet while I pursued my graduate degree at IPS. When I left the novitiate, I had to rely on financial support from my parents in Vietnam to pursue graduate education because I was limited to working part-time. Their support revealed how deeply my parents believe in God. Besides making sacrifices for my education, mom and dad were worried about what I would do in the future. And yet, they trust that God will guide. I had to keep the faith, I told myself.

        

When we choose to live authentically, we are called to overcome our fears. When I moved to Chicago, I lived in the only residence hall at the Water Tower Campus, the stretch of Loyola–Chicago located near the “Magnificent Mile” in central Chicago. I also had great stress since I needed to apply for a new visa. Because I had been on a non-immigration employment visa (R-1) for religious workers, I had to seek out an international student (F-1) visa to legally pursue the graduate program at Loyola. I only had five months to apply for and receive the new visa before my status expired in January.

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When we choose to live authentically, we are called to overcome our fears.

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I submitted the visa application in August. While I was going to school, I found hope and grace in the glimpse of Light that God would guide me through all of this. I kept waiting to hear back from the United States Citizenship and Immigration Services (USCIS). I checked the government agency website every week to see whether I received an approval for my new visa. By early December, there was still no visa approval. Rather, I saw an update about a new processing time of 7-9 months. This meant that I couldn’t stay in America. My only option was to suspend my studies, return to Vietnam, and apply for a new visa in person at the U.S. Embassy.

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I felt disappointed and frustrated about the U.S. immigration system, but I kept hope in the vision of Light.

That night, I booked my ticket to Ho Chi Minh City. I would leave in two days. On top of this, it was the last week of Finals–for a degree that I did not know whether I would be able to finish. I could not see why God was making me go through this, but I knew in my heart that everything would be okay.

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On Saturday morning I took the “L” to Chicago’s O’Hare International Airport. When I arrived at the check-in terminal, a United Airlines employee told me that I had to travel by car from Tokyo Haneda (HND) to Tokyo Narita (NRT) in order to make my flight to Vietnam. I was surprised to find out that I also needed a visitor-visa to travel in Japan, regardless of the intended length of stay. How could I inquire for entry permission in Japan to travel to my connecting flight within such a short period of time? How could I communicate in Japan where local people spoke mainly Japanese? All these questions were coming to my head. But, I persisted. I took a deep breath and entered security.

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I heard a whispering voice within, calming my fears and nourishing my soul.

 

When I arrived at my gate, I heard an airline employee calling my name. I walked toward the station. He looked me in the eyes and asked: “Are you willing to volunteer to give up your seat? Our flight is overbooked. We can arrange your next flight directly to NRT and you don’t need to transfer in Haneda. We apologize for the inconvenience. We would like to reimburse your future trip with $1,000 credit from United Airlines.” Balancing between remaining poised and containing my bursting joy, I answered: “Yes, that’s okay!”

 

I walked away from the United Airlines station, tremendously relieved and grateful.

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God works mysteriously.

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I arrived safe and sound in Ho Chi Minh City. Returning to Vietnam ended up becoming a great gift and blessing because it enabled me to see my grandfather one last time. He passed away in August 2019; without my visa issue, I would not have seen him again before his death.

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I passed the interview and was able to obtain a new visa and return to Chicago to complete my degrees, but I encountered new challenges.

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While I was working on my degree, the Covid-19 pandemic broke out. I moved in with family on the East Coast and, like so many students, had to learn to swim against the tides of life without being overwhelmed by the unprecedentedness. Then, in Summer 2020, Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) released a new directive for the upcoming fall semester: international students who were taking online courses could not remain in the U.S. Along with more than 300,000 other international students, I faced deportation. Without any consultation from post-secondary institutions and with no timely provision for public comment, the sudden ICE ruling issued in July 2020 threatened to expel international students from the U.S.

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I had to learn to walk in Darkness. My faith was truly being tested while my future of completing the graduate degree and settling in America was hanging by a thread. I felt lonely, depressed, anxious about my future, and soul-broken. I was now being excluded by the U.S. immigration system due to the very F-1 visa I had just been through so much to get. But love unfolds in the chasm of Light.

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I received emails from Loyola University President Jo Ann Rooney and IPS Interim Dean Peter Jones, both of whom said that the university community would do what it takes— including judicial and legislative action—to support Loyola’s international students. Dr. Jones wrote that “the Institute of Pastoral Studies rejects the impulse embodied in the new ICE rule and will steadfastly remain at your side, advocating for justice on your behalf…because doing so is to advocate for justice and stand for truth on behalf of IPS.”

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On July 15, 2020, the ICE ruling was rescinded.

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In December 2022, I was so proud to graduate from Loyola University Chicago and reach a new threshold: living an undivided life. I am incredibly thankful for the support and the love of Loyola University Chicago, and especially the Institute of Pastoral Studies community, Dr. Jones, and friends who stood with me during one of my darkest hours.

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As I walked on the commencement stage in May as part of the Class of 2022, I was so proud and humbled by the sacred journey that I have been on so far: to complete my graduate degree and live out my authentic life. 

I remember the blessing of the Norbertine community that I received on the day, I left:

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 “O God, without beginning or end, we give you thanks and praise for bringing Anh to our community. We pray for joy for him as he takes leave of this place. We pray for peace upon us, who will miss him. Bless this man + with every heavenly blessing and give him a safe journey; wherever life leads him, O God, may he find You there to protect him. We ask this through Christ our Lord. Amen.” 

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I remember God’s promise and His Presence on my journey, that the way toward the Light is through Darkness.